||[1-30-16 at 7pm]
I'm listening to "Hamilton"
I should do the dishes.
But I did laundry today and cleaned my room . Last night was bad. I might go inpatient.
|boo! guess who?
||[1-26-16 at 10pm]
Boo! I see you. Of you see me top, comment. And or email email@example.com for some txting luv
|hey my darlings * i will dance until i think i can overcome*
||[8-4-09 at 10am]
hey my darlings..
i just want you to know i've been reading and posting as much as my brain will allow lately...i have the gift of empathy. and sometimes i just can't get my head enough together to say anything of substance. but then again, i tend to think that about myself anyway, ( yes yes im working on it <3)...
randomness in 3...2...1...
has anybody whose emotional pain contributed to their fibro everrrr...tried to...*speaks softly* dance through that emotional pain/heal it *through* dance?
its an endeavor i'm on...slowly, shyly, and dissapointingly unsure...but something im too emotional to elaborate on convinced me i'm not meant to give up on it.
im working on "breathe me" by Sia. yep, i know...wow. ;)
but anyways...was just wonderign bout little creative bunnies right here on livejournal.
zOMG dizziness. for likee...almost a week now, straight. its like..ri*diculous!!!*. if i turn my head too fast, or to the extreme left/right, it feels like someone hit me with a bat dizzy. also, if im just...looking both ways to cross the street. and just today, i went to open the back door of a bus. the driver hadnt opened it, so the 2nd time i pushed on it, my head just *spunnnn*
i'm gonna do the actual 64 oz's of water ( i know, i know...i just didnt know it was that important ....*covers head, as i just *glanced* to the right*) i don't..*feel* dehydrated, but it certainly couldn't hurt.
also, i'm diabetic type 2. does anybody * sighs...didnt think itd come to this* get *extremely* dizzy when even only *slightly* elevated blood sugar?..
the only other explanation is that its one of the ways fibro copies *many* other diseases...
sorry, loves...i just needed to put it all out there.
the dizziness is actually contributing to *massive* anxiety. and when i turn at all, or get up too quickly, i feel a sensation of dissociation going down into my middle back and legs/arms. much with the loveliness. wouldnt even bother me so much if it didnt take *soooo* long to even *remotely* die down. its interfering with my choreography. * dancer's grrr!!* lol
thank you guys for listening, and im sure ill get some feedback <3
and if a very special someone is reading, you'll have mail sent out l8r 2day or 2morrow <3
||[11-14-08 at 9pm]
i know the storm is coming through
i'll be the star up in your blue
when the waves come crashing down
and no one is around
i will be your comfort, dear
i will be your solid ground
||[11-14-08 at 9pm]
cramps.god awful screaming, out-for-organs cyst cramps
|umm...experimentation <3 --free writinggg
||[11-7-08 at 2pm]
"Capillary Refill"( or "A Writer's Promise") running into "Always"
a burst of emotion
an inspiration to write...
and then nothing.
and i would wear
strings on my fingers
to remind myself
that i still live.
the red pulsing
in time with the heart
my heart's in time
at the end of day
in the middle of night
when all but nothing's
i curl up to your kindness
and relax in your embrace
run my fingers through your hair
and kiss that pretty face
thank you for the faith
you so effortlessly bring
thank you for being
my favorite kind of string
to be held up on
and danced around
i've got the sky
who needs the ground?
||[7-26-08 at 2pm]
they published onbe of my short stories
its up til tommorow night-ish i think.
according to my multiple copy/paste sessions, it should be right on that page.
/penname: madison riley
im still depressed as fuck, but i continue to look through craigslist. im thisclose to posting something my*self* lol
||[7-24-08 at 9pm]
jesus freikin christ.
how ungodly difficult is it for someone to fucking *reply* ( good lord, what a CONCEPT) to an email. an email, of course--which was a response to a posting on craigslist--making one aware of openings.
i just ...seriously.
it's not rocket science.
my head will not stop spinning...
and i want something good to happen right the fuck now.
i can not stand this anymore.
I dont wanna keep behaving myself.
by any means....
i guess i will...or i'll try..
I need to be better for people.
im just one big ball of fucked up and shameful..
I might go to the beach with my friend...it'd kil time but i dont really deserve it...
||[5-19-08 at 5pm]
i have a dr.'s apt tommorow at 9:30...and they better take me on time.
'cause im supposed to meet my friend at 1:30 in brooklyn lol
open house tonight...i gotta clean. i did but apparently it wasn't 'enough'.
thank god ill be out mostly all day tommorow...
||[2-9-08 at 12pm]
happy birthday to mollys_home
i hope it's a great one. you've been an amazing person! =)
im trying out for a play today, if i can memorize a monologue before 6:00 ummm...yah. =/
i'll try though. i haven't auditioned for anything since october.
i still gotta ice my knee, cause i banged it up bad, running up the stairs at mc.donalds....
once i can get my icepack in a freezer of course.
probably gonna stay over someones house tonight, since my mothers having someone over.
at least i get paid on thursday...
i dont know what i'm gonna do until 6 lol
i'll occupy myself.
||[7-29-07 at 6am]
im not a person.im her fucking punching bag.shes just trying to destroy me.she goes arent u sorry u didnt make more of urself at 25?and why didnt u get out of school when u were supposed to?she made me cry again but i didnt let her hear.she hurts me so much...i cant stop crying.shes a goddamn sociopath so shes never sorry and never wrong.for the record i think i can go back in the spring and stil graduate.but leave it to her to throw me off my shaky confidence.what she really wants is a reaction so she can start screaming.and i didnt give it to her.
||[2-12-07 at 4pm]
someone got back to me about babysitting...
my phone went dead
the people from pavillion fucked me over and went to ithaca for the week
gavin's business partner needs to grow up
and someone came through for me on craigslist...so im gonna be staying in greece
thats about it for now
talk more later
||[1-13-07 at 1pm]
i went to the dentist yestarday...
it was a complete disaster...
i need...um... a lot of fillings..
like...16...and that's before the cleaning, so if there's a god; there won't b anymore hiding...
i have a cleaning, ironically ,on the 16th...and the follow up on the 22nd...im absolutely terrified,and really depressed about it....though currently i'm*boreddd*....
i'm going now to apply at The Landing, for a kitchen aid...im gonna try to do 20 hours i guess...idk...DSS sucks...its sooo cold out ...ugh..
so i guess the sooner i get this done, the sooner i can get warm and stuff back at said apt.
melissa came home last night and ended up acting like nothing happened...and being nice and junk...thus opening the floodgates after she went to bed.
i was perfectly content being mad with a dash of numb. "questioning" is not my style...
and i think her current love interest has*met*me before .cuz he only stuck around a few minutes. it was rather amusing...
well....im off into the tundra...
||[12-15-06 at 11am]
i'm trying to leave tonight...
since im only getting like 80 or so...
i don't wanna spend 70 on a train, and be stuck with 10.00 to my name..
so i have to leave tonight...laate...and then kill an hour or so and get car service to some @ss end of rochester...lovely...
im so pissed..
my sister isn't on and i could have asked her friend who goes to SUNY Albany for a ride...
and the number i just called to ask if this place has a place to wait, safely . ( i mean for chrissakes it's rochester...) was busy.
and tryin gto get in touch with friends atm...
upd8 if i can later..>
today already includes.
* money wiring place
* oak orchard(?)
all i can say is thank god i did dishes the other night! woot. its not as messy..
|off to studyyyy
||[12-6-06 at 7pm]
off to study for a final tommorowwwww...
wish me luck...
i also gotta deal with, well...what i need to deal with, when i get home...
not looking fwd: to it...
maybe i can stall by hopping in the shower or something...
||[11-11-06 at 9am]
shake stars loose
and break these walls
i'm gonna need
the light that falls
crack this sky
let the lies fall down
turning into dust
before the ground
Don't make a wish on one of those
it only leaves a bad
taste in your mouth, false faith in your heart
i can't hide the fact that i'm too sad
hold me through this night
cause i don't wanna fight
the regret that haunts my dreams
wrap me up in you
cause you're the thing that's true
you're the one to sew these splitting seams
i'm at the end of my rope
and i'm screaming and i'm crying
but what no one sees
is just how hard i'm trying
not to get to this point right here
not to give into fear
so turn away as i try to fake this smile
if you'd just come back
i swear that it would be
truer than it's been in quite a while
|B+!!! in the class!!!
||[11-1-06 at 9am]
The class is done!!
i totally still got a B+
i condensed 11 pages into a page and a half of information
i knew like more than half the class. lol. grrr
she said i needed to slow down and annunciate ( when i try to, i stutter) my words like whoa, and i think i went a little over 5 minutes...but she's still giving me the b+
such a relief.
as i was working on it till 1in the freikin morning this morning, and was up at 7.
i thought i'd be exhausted, but i'm wired. exhaustion will conveniently come when i have an hour practice with my study-buddy. ( and then more with Kat later)
i think i'm gonna go get some breakfast and work on my theatre paper and then take a nap.
i haven't eaten since yestarday afternoon, so i guess i'll have breakfast/lunch lol
||[10-19-06 at 7pm]
come on now
do you really wanna say goodbye
come on now
sit back down and let me fix your sky
underneath your water
and in between your dreams
i will fix the hurt that hides
i will sew your splitting seams
when all your world is falling down
and you can't find your hope
i will hold you tight now
and fix your fraying rope
spin around in the stars
watch the lights from the cars
lay back down and take my hand
'cause i will always understand
you don't have to search
for the right words to say
cause even if they come out wrong
you know i'l always stay
when the cold
is far too much to take
i will shield your heart
i will take the body ache
||[10-11-06 at 2pm]
lock this car
and pick that star
we're out of here tonight
so far away
from all their hate
driving straight on into light
no more trying to
just leave them to their mess
your eyes get sad
your soul gets bruised
but i don't love you any less
thank you for the faith
you perpetually share
and for holding me so tight
for giving your smile
and stringing up this hope
and a little of your fight