In Her Eyes I Fall

hey my darlings * i will dance until i think i can overcome*

2009-08-04T14:53:54Z

hey my darlings..
i just want you to know i've been reading and posting as much as my brain will allow lately...i have the gift of empathy. and sometimes i just can't get my head enough together to say anything of substance. but then again, i tend to think that about myself anyway, ( yes yes im working on it <3)...

randomness in 3...2...1...

okay..

has anybody whose emotional pain contributed to their fibro everrrr...tried to...*speaks softly* dance through that emotional pain/heal it *through* dance?

its an endeavor i'm on...slowly, shyly, and dissapointingly unsure...but something im too emotional to elaborate on convinced me i'm not meant to give up on it.

im working on "breathe me" by Sia. yep, i know...wow. ;)
but anyways...was just wonderign bout little creative bunnies right here on livejournal.

also...
zOMG dizziness. for likee...almost a week now, straight. its like..ri*diculous!!!*. if i turn my head too fast, or to the extreme left/right, it feels like someone hit me with a bat dizzy. also, if im just...looking both ways to cross the street. and just today, i went to open the back door of a bus. the driver hadnt opened it, so the 2nd time i pushed on it, my head just *spunnnn*

i'm gonna do the actual 64 oz's of water ( i know, i know...i just didnt know it was that important ....*covers head, as i just *glanced* to the right*) i don't..*feel* dehydrated, but it certainly couldn't hurt.

also, i'm diabetic type 2. does anybody * sighs...didnt think itd come to this* get *extremely* dizzy when even only *slightly* elevated blood sugar?..

the only other explanation is that its one of the ways fibro copies *many* other diseases...
sorry, loves...i just needed to put it all out there.

the dizziness is actually contributing to *massive* anxiety. and when i turn at all, or get up too quickly, i feel a sensation of dissociation going down into my middle back and legs/arms. much with the loveliness. wouldnt even bother me so much if it didnt take *soooo* long to even *remotely* die down. its interfering with my choreography. * dancer's grrr!!* lol

thank you guys for listening, and im sure ill get some feedback <3
and if a very special someone is reading, you'll have mail sent out l8r 2day or 2morrow <3

NoRaBeAr

inhereyesifall @ 2008-11-14T21:58:00

2008-11-15T03:01:50Z

hold on
i know the storm is coming through
hold on
i'll be the star up in your blue
when the waves come crashing down
and no one is around
i will be your comfort, dear
i will be your solid ground

aaaaagh

2008-11-15T02:19:00Z

dear god.
cramps.god awful screaming, out-for-organs cyst cramps
er maybe....

umm...experimentation <3 --free writinggg

2008-11-07T19:23:19Z

"Capillary Refill"( or "A Writer's Promise") running into "Always"

a burst of emotion
an inspiration to write...

and then nothing.

and i would wear
strings on my fingers

to remind myself

that i still live.

the red pulsing
in time with the heart

my heart's in time
with yours.

always
always

at the end of day
in the middle of night
when all but nothing's
going right

i curl up to your kindness
and relax in your embrace
run my fingers through your hair
and kiss that pretty face

thank you for the faith
you so effortlessly bring
thank you for being
my favorite kind of string

to be held up on
and danced around
i've got the sky
who needs the ground?

published!

2008-07-26T18:53:44Z

sooo ummm..
they published onbe of my short stories

its up til tommorow night-ish i think.

www.eyegoneblack.com

according to my multiple copy/paste sessions, it should be right on that page.

"Ghost Hunter"

/penname: madison riley

enjoy! =)

im still depressed as fuck, but i continue to look through craigslist. im thisclose to posting something my*self* lol

jesus christ

2008-07-25T01:33:19Z

jesus freikin christ.
how ungodly difficult is it for someone to fucking *reply* ( good lord, what a CONCEPT) to an email. an email, of course--which was a response to a posting on craigslist--making one aware of openings.

i just ...seriously.
it's not rocket science.

my head will not stop spinning...
and i want something good to happen right the fuck now.
i can not stand this anymore.

I dont wanna keep behaving myself.
by any means....
i guess i will...or i'll try..

but god.
I need to be better for people.

im just one big ball of fucked up and shameful..

I might go to the beach with my friend...it'd kil time but i dont really deserve it...

fuck it

nora

...yup

2008-05-19T21:49:12Z

sooo yup...
i have a dr.'s apt tommorow at 9:30...and they better take me on time.
'cause im supposed to meet my friend at 1:30 in brooklyn lol

idk...
open house tonight...i gotta clean. i did but apparently it wasn't 'enough'.

thank god ill be out mostly all day tommorow...

hey

2008-02-09T17:49:14Z

happy birthday to mollys_home
i hope it's a great one. you've been an amazing person! =)

im trying out for a play today, if i can memorize a monologue before 6:00 ummm...yah. =/
i'll try though. i haven't auditioned for anything since october.

i still gotta ice my knee, cause i banged it up bad, running up the stairs at mc.donalds....
once i can get my icepack in a freezer of course.
probably gonna stay over someones house tonight, since my mothers having someone over.

at least i get paid on thursday...
i dont know what i'm gonna do until 6 lol

oh wells...
i'll occupy myself.

norabear

inhereyesifall @ 2007-07-29T06:10:00

2007-07-29T10:10:12Z

im not a person.im her fucking punching bag.shes just trying to destroy me.she goes arent u sorry u didnt make more of urself at 25?and why didnt u get out of school when u were supposed to?she made me cry again but i didnt let her hear.she hurts me so much...i cant stop crying.shes a goddamn sociopath so shes never sorry and never wrong.for the record i think i can go back in the spring and stil graduate.but leave it to her to throw me off my shaky confidence.what she really wants is a reaction so she can start screaming.and i didnt give it to her.

inhereyesifall @ 2007-02-12T16:32:00

2007-02-12T21:30:06Z

hey

someone got back to me about babysitting...
my phone went dead
the people from pavillion fucked me over and went to ithaca for the week
gavin's business partner needs to grow up
and someone came through for me on craigslist...so im gonna be staying in greece

and...what else...
yah.

thats about it for now

talk more later

love

me

hey

2007-01-13T18:20:17Z

hey
soo...

i went to the dentist yestarday...
it was a complete disaster...

i need...um... a lot of fillings..
like...16...and that's before the cleaning, so if there's a god; there won't b anymore hiding...

i have a cleaning, ironically ,on the 16th...and the follow up on the 22nd...im absolutely terrified,and really depressed about it....though currently i'm*boreddd*....

i'm going now to apply at The Landing, for a kitchen aid...im gonna try to do 20 hours i guess...idk...DSS sucks...its sooo cold out ...ugh..

so i guess the sooner i get this done, the sooner i can get warm and stuff back at said apt.

melissa came home last night and ended up acting like nothing happened...and being nice and junk...thus opening the floodgates after she went to bed.

i was perfectly content being mad with a dash of numb. "questioning" is not my style...

and i think her current love interest has*met*me before .cuz he only stuck around a few minutes. it was rather amusing...

well....im off into the tundra...

norabear

idk...

2006-12-15T16:44:27Z

sooo yah...
i'm trying to leave tonight...
since im only getting like 80 or so...
i don't wanna spend 70 on a train, and be stuck with 10.00 to my name..

so i have to leave tonight...laate...and then kill an hour or so and get car service to some @ss end of rochester...lovely...

im so pissed..
my sister isn't on and i could have asked her friend who goes to SUNY Albany for a ride...

grr =/
and the number i just called to ask if this place has a place to wait, safely . ( i mean for chrissakes it's rochester...) was busy.
damnit...

and tryin gto get in touch with friends atm...

upd8 if i can later..>

today already includes.

* lunch
* money wiring place
* oak orchard(?)

all i can say is thank god i did dishes the other night! woot. its not as messy..

nora

off to studyyyy

2006-12-07T00:32:11Z

off to study for a final tommorowwwww...

errmm..

yah...

wish me luck...

i also gotta deal with, well...what i need to deal with, when i get home...
not looking fwd: to it...
maybe i can stall by hopping in the shower or something...

idk...~
ugh..

love,

me

poemmm/song

2006-11-11T14:55:18Z

shake stars loose
and break these walls
i'm gonna need
the light that falls
crack this sky
let the lies fall down
turning into dust
before the ground

Don't make a wish on one of those
it only leaves a bad
taste in your mouth, false faith in your heart
i can't hide the fact that i'm too sad

hold me through this night
cause i don't wanna fight
the regret that haunts my dreams
wrap me up in you
cause you're the thing that's true
you're the one to sew these splitting seams

i'm at the end of my rope
and i'm screaming and i'm crying
but what no one sees
is just how hard i'm trying

not to get to this point right here
not to give into fear
so turn away as i try to fake this smile
if you'd just come back
i swear that it would be
truer than it's been in quite a while

B+!!! in the class!!!

2006-11-01T14:37:52Z

The class is done!!

woo!!!!!!!!!!

i totally still got a B+

i condensed 11 pages into a page and a half of information
i knew like more than half the class. lol. grrr

she said i needed to slow down and annunciate ( when i try to, i stutter) my words like whoa, and i think i went a little over 5 minutes...but she's still giving me the b+

so woot!

such a relief.
as i was working on it till 1in the freikin morning this morning, and was up at 7.
i thought i'd be exhausted, but i'm wired. exhaustion will conveniently come when i have an hour practice with my study-buddy. ( and then more with Kat later)

i think i'm gonna go get some breakfast and work on my theatre paper and then take a nap.
i haven't eaten since yestarday afternoon, so i guess i'll have breakfast/lunch lol

laters ya'll...

norabear

...so easy to end this

2006-11-01T05:14:13Z

it would be so easy to end this

( i think i just might)

but there'd be no coming back
what would i be coming back to?
i don't make up for all i lack

( can't do this anymore)

the pain builds up and up
until it hurts to function normally
can't you understand?
can't you see

(how hard i've had to fight?)

how my world is self-destructing
and 5 seconds aren't even up
i tripped on the broken promise
i spilled the cup that you had poured for me
so faithfully, so delicate
call off the dogs
call off the bets that i will be okay
and make it through this darker day
just let me slip away into the night
i'd really like to give up on this fight

( i know, i'm such a bore)

i'll be 25 in december
and i can't fix the things i've broken
at the same time, i can't fix the things
people broke, words jumbled or unspoken

( when i was little, i'd look down and wonder
if the reflection was really a different world)

i can only avoid your eyes
and try not to project my pain
you don't deserve a single moment
of the knowledge i'm insane

( i long to dissapear
into that one,sleeping and curled)

so easy just to end it
can't see another way
i love you to the bones and more
i'll always remain...i'll always stay inside your memory
warm and safe and free
'cause in this world, me and you were
never really meant to be...

...idk....

2006-10-19T23:45:48Z

come on now
do you really wanna say goodbye
come on now
sit back down and let me fix your sky

underneath your water
and in between your dreams
i will fix the hurt that hides
i will sew your splitting seams

when all your world is falling down
and you can't find your hope
i will hold you tight now
and fix your fraying rope

spin around in the stars
watch the lights from the cars
lay back down and take my hand
'cause i will always understand

you don't have to search
for the right words to say
cause even if they come out wrong
you know i'l always stay

when the cold
is far too much to take
i will shield your heart
i will take the body ache

yah~

2006-10-11T19:05:57Z

lock this car
and pick that star
we're out of here tonight

so far away
from all their hate
driving straight on into light

no more trying to
understand why
just leave them to their mess

your eyes get sad
your soul gets bruised
but i don't love you any less

thank you for the faith
you perpetually share
and for holding me so tight

for giving your smile
and stringing up this hope
and a little of your fight

yah...

2006-10-11T00:43:21Z

and what have i got to show
for all the time for self reflection
my eyes refuse to hide lies
upon your touch...upon your soul inspection

you might as well
go away again
because i haven't become
the one that you need
the one who does things right
and i wonder why there's

some things i can not fix about this
some reasons i can not
forget your soft hands
forget your knowing
glances in the direction
...of my tarnished bliss

i wish that i could change my story
so i'd really be worth coming back to
my chest gets heavy
my sky goes black and blue

i don't know what im supposed to say
that i've had an awesome day????
and everything's just fine?????
i thought that was the reason...
the lying..the lies..
that you aren't...at this moment...
you aren't mine.

From Jon

2006-04-30T20:53:07Z

Hey my Sister,

I noticed that your last layout I put up for you was blurry and lil off center and stuff. I put ya up a new one. Its not too bad, if you want me to find ya a different theme other than stars, lemme know.

- The Wolf

6 random weird things/habits

2006-04-26T01:09:36Z

hmmm 6 weird things/habits

1. when i was little, i would randomly say 'purple', 'cause i liked how it sounded.

2. i *cried* almost every time during the opening credits of Robo Cop,whenever he had a flashback. i was 6. i was emo b4 emo was emo.

3. I tuck my hair behind my ear when i'm nervous, and bite my nails like crazy.

4. I can't ( well, i do but its highly less enjoyable) my pizza w/o garlic, or my spaghetti w/o *parmesean cheese* mmmhhhhh. It's SUCH a habit w/me to sprinkle these things on, that i can consciously taste the difference

5. Holy Jesus tapdancing and passing the doobie. i *HATE* widescreen.

6. I can't stand people who sit in a scary movie and make fun of it. Dude, if you're gonna shit your pants, don't worry. the rest of us probably are too lol ;)

wow...i forgot how many poems i forgot to type up

2006-04-10T01:27:43Z

in my head, your eyes are kind
in reality, they're reading my every emotion

* and i'm getting nervous*

in my head, i change the subject like a pro
in reality, i trip over words like a drunken sailor

*and i'm lookin' foolish*

in my head, i'm brave enough to look you in the eye
in reality, my face is turning red and suicidal tears look out over the brims of my eyes

* and i memorize the pattern on the quilt*

in my head, i'm brave enough to face this
in reality, i get up to leave

* and the room starts to spin*

in my head, you're stroking my hair
in reality, you're tugging my hoodie

* and i'm feeling quite ashamed*

in reality, i bite my lips and roll my eyes
in my head, i'm so damn sorry

* and i want this all to stop*

in reality, your arms are around me tight
in my head, i don't think i deserve it

* and the story never ends*

---
The ravaged sould cries
out for forgiveness
but hears no answers
she wonders if she loves her any less
she commits the same transgressions
under the cover of darkness
than she did under the spotlight
when will she confess

that she's dying with each breath
and her hope is quick like sand
slipping through her fingers
swaying with this band
her keeper casts her out
and as her world spins off kilter
there's no easy way out
there's no filter

for the truth that falls down
like an unforgiving rain
for the chaos in her head
like a neverending pain
sometimes she finds her way back
to the place where she felt suer
that her wings could be repaired
she only needs a little more

as heaven falls and fades
her smile does the same
her world is chaotic
but her heart and soul are tame

**
looking out the window
clinging to the memory
of the sun and stars together
of the wise you and hopeful me
she tried to fix my wings
and i left hers torn and tattered
tears spilled on the floor
a heart and soul so shattered

now this fallen angel
is crying for redemption
now this darkened world
is looking for the sun
the ghost of you and me
is right here in this place
i tried to hide away
what was written on my face

the energy is potent
the time slip shapes and lingers
i watch it copy perfectly
the imprint of my shaky fingers
screaming out for second chances
begging for a smile
cause oh your arms around me tight
you know it's been a while

* *
when your world was falling down
they told you just to breathe
but when that's all you can do
they kindly turn to leave
when they found you weren't
breaking walls and fixing wings
they couldn't comprehend
all the rain october brings

they said you knew you better
than anyone else can say
pigs will fly and hell will freeze
yeah, that'll be the day
they don't understand
the scars that never heal
they don't understand
the shine and the appeal

of numbing the pain
and freezing the tears
halfway down your chin
the neverending fears
that you can't escape
that you'll always be
just another broken child
down upon your knees

sometimes you can only breathe
and that's good enough for me
because i know how stifling
this world can come to be
i've loved you from the start
you've always held my heart
my little one with patched up wings
and everything that heaven brings

* *
dying to live
desperate to die
it isn't black and white
like the truth and then a lie
i am walking in the rain
and i am spelling out this pain
i'm throwing punches in the air
'cause part of me just doesn' care

the spider spins her web
it's elegant and delicate
my hands are just as shaky
i just don't get it
why can't i fix this
and fly away for good
i would close my eyes and jump
if i knew you would

be right there at the bottom
to shield you from this pain
without you hear beside me
i slowly go insane
i never meant to make you cry
you said you'd tell me if you were leaving
but i don't know if i just didn't get the memo
i'm not so much for believeing

much of anything lately
comes with your world crashing down
a side of what the fuck
an urge to burn this town
maybe in the embers
i'll find what remains
of your love for me
it used to stand against the rain

**
you hold the balance
you make me walk the line
and there's no discussion
because part of you was always mine
though it's much more comforting
to think that i am yours
im trying to sweep the shame
under rugs on dirty floors

dirty like my soul
my eyes are always looking down
i need to make this right
i need to leave this town
it's hard to look you in the eye
because i know i've made you cry
it's hard to stay grounded because
my world just keeps falling down

inhereyesifall @ 2006-03-04T23:20:00

2006-03-05T04:34:21Z

there's a place in my soul
that only you can fill
there's a secret in my heart
that only you can spill

there are tears in my eyes
that only you can dry
there's a pair of broken wings
and only you can help me fly

my faith has got me bound
to something better
after the storm
at the end of the letter

there's gotta be a
love you always
because no matter what
your place in my heart
always stays

i need to hold you in my arms
and let you know i'm real
don't be afraid to show me
what it is you feel

i've been there and back
i've glanced over the edge
been down upon my knees
been talked down from that ledge

i walk it everyday regardless
but with you holding my hand
i wouldn't look down cause
you're the one who understands

inhereyesifall @ 2006-02-13T22:20:00

2006-02-14T03:21:13Z

i think the only way
I'm going to
survive this
is if your my siamese angel
attatched at the wrist
then i'd be forced, but with so much willingness
to fight off this darkness tooth and nail

never again scars
never again long sleeves
no more shame
no more raging emotions
just me and you
our armies of one
let me hide you from this pain
tuck your head under my chin...it'll be alright....

if we shared wings
i would never let you fall
there'd always be a place in my
arms for you
let me rock you

sweetly off to sleep
let me find your smile
and banish all these dreams

where your fallin' into darkness
and spinning far from hope
let me be rapunzel's hair
let me be your only rope...
i would hold you tight
when the ground tries
to open up and swallow
us whole

our love is stronger
than any monsoon of tears
it's more resilient
than any stinging wind
fall apart to my time
because i'm the one
who knows how to
put us back together

new stuff.

2006-01-25T15:11:24Z

lesson learned.
the truth has the ability to shatter
and your mask falls to peices
as i let you see what's inside
i walk away....
with barely a tear finding its way down my cheek
a trace of dissapointment ,but nothing written all over my face
sort of a satisfaction....
you writhe as your fakeness is exposed
your eyes searching desperately for the peices of your charade
now, if you were broken, it would be a different story
i'd hold you, and you'd hold me...and....we'd make it better
but i'm not going to waste my time
and i'm not going to spend my energy
peicing together a lie that was woven together for far too long
and far too strong
some truths leave them splitting at the seams
go ahead, let the tears burn your cheeks as you leave
indentation marks in the crazy glue
hurry!!!
before someone else finds out who you really are

* * *

these tears are rusted over
my heart is on my sleeve
my walls have crumbled around me
and that's the way i'll stay
until you place your kiss
softly between my immovable joints
and...in my dream....
when you tell me you love me, i can do it
i can remove this armor this 'tinman' wears
because...
if i know you love me, then i don't need
any more protection...
just tell me your sorry
tell me you'll never make me cry that hard again
it's been a while since someone held me in the sun....
in my dream...which i hope to become reality
we make our way to the emerald city, but stop
for a while in the field....
we're in so deep, we don't know where eachother begins
we exchange promises, and all fears melt away
all insecurities turn to dust, and all anger fades to gray....
in...one...kiss